Abandonment. For those of us who have experienced this most intense of all experiences, we know how serious it is. One of my biggest teachers has been the abandonment wound. People who have had early childhood abandonment or abuse will have a difficult time coping with it as an adult, and yet their system will be patterned for it, so they may find they are reliving brutal rejection and mistreatment time after time, with no tools and no hope to recover or change. Some events that can trigger this old and unhealed wound are a breakup, being fired, a friendship suddenly ending or an intimate partner or friend who is emotionally unavailable. As a healer and a human, I wanted to dive as deeply into the healing of this wound as I could. Recently, after experiencing it so many times, I feel I have made some real headway and transformation within and I wanted to share.

This year I spent 5 full months tracking when feelings of abandonment would surface. Sometimes it was triggered by an event as simple as saying goodbye to a friend after a movie, other times it would just come over me with no warning. Mostly it was triggered by the loss of a relationship and what that said about my ability to trust myself, and as it turned out, God. When you get hit by that wound, the mildest reaction is just feeling a bit of sad, lonely discomfort. The most intense reaction is that you feel as though you are completely lost and alone and you must be fed by an external source to survive, addictive feelings begin to control you. It feels like there is nothing supporting you, and nothing to fall back on. It feels like every person in your life doesn’t love you enough or the right way. It is child consciousness at its strongest. You must find a primary care giver or you will die. That is the intensity of the emotion. 5 months ago, I finally had to surrender to the experience. I wanted to know just how much it was controlling me. I knew that I would be healing it on a deeper level rather than just applying coping mechanisms, or talking myself out of it.

The material I used to get to the core of the wound was this very devastating breakup. One I was having a difficult time moving on from. Taking responsibility for and confronting the abandonment wound is saying that you are willing to face your deepest fear, your deepest pain. In those moments where it would hit me, I would just sit with myself as the adult, caring witness. At the same time that my child consciousness suffered, blamed and cried, my adult consciousness would witness with infinite love, patience and understanding. I did this again and again and again. One time I had to do it for almost 3 days straight. It was not easy at all, but I did not let my child take over by affecting my adult behavior. I did not let her “go to the empty well for a drink” as my healer would say. I found myself in the ultimate wound – abandonment by God. It was gut wrenching. I felt I had been abandoned and betrayed by God, the pain was excruciating. Internally I yelled and screamed, letting all my feelings out. What a relief. It was like the weight of the world lifted and I felt the warm, comforting presence of the Divine infiltrate my being. I felt so cared for. A new relationship was forming with God and with myself. Because I channel and work with divine energies every day, this healing was crucial.

Now, the interesting thing is that abandonment has become my ally. Whenever it gets triggered, and it still gets triggered, and instant self love reaction takes place. Each time I am able to touch deeper parts of the beloved within. The best part is that it’s no one else’s responsibility, so I’ve got the power. Time alone is more precious, sacred and joyful. Unafraid to look into the abandonment abyss, I have begun to see the vast gifts that live within it. One is creativity – songs, writing, drawing all began to fill up that space, and that is what I ended up channeling about.

Abandonment Is a Creative Tool

You hold a lot of power as you honor yourself, as you love all parts of yourself. For so long you have tried to eradicate abandonment and now what you are doing is just simply letting go of the idea that it is wrong, it is a gift of story for you as a human, it is a great teacher and there is infinite space and colors in the wound of abandonment. Can you feel the limitless possibilities of creation in the space of abandonment? Can you feel that within yourself - how profound a feeling it is to sit in that space of longing, of emptiness, of pain that seems to stretch as wide as you could possibly fee? Well it is no accident, it is Creators choice, your choice to experience this pain and create within it. There are so many possibilities in life but this vacancy is the abyss. This vacancy is the abyss. And so as you bring forth your creations in this void of voids, you heal, you make more room for yourself, for your expansion, for your colors, for your music, and as you bring in the creativity, divine love pours from your soul, reminding you of who you are, reminding you that this is all temporary and it is a gift. For creativity is divine. It is direct food, the elixer of your being. Feel the gratitude for such a unique expression of who you are, for such a deep experience of your fullness, your completeness in the vacancy. Do not fear this place, but use it now. Use it to heal. For you understand now, that it is not just there to torture you but to serve you into your highest potential. The abandonment wound opens up limitless space for your creations, for you. You can bring in the love, let it shower the pain, let it heal the pain, but only when you accept that this emptiness, this loneliness is there as a gift to serve you as a human can you experience the joy of being abandoned, only to discover you are more than you were before. I know what you are thinking, “How could that be joyful?” but we tell you, humanity is just simply irreplaceable, impossible to replicate, its perfect. Thank yourself for choosing this crazy pain, this crazy bliss and create within it.

So the next time you feel someone has left you, the next time you feel you need someone else to fill that empty hole, make it bigger, make that pain as big and wide as you can and start to create. Fill it up, paint the canvas, pick up the guitar, cook a meal, or simply feel every particle of your being expand. This is experiential, you must try it. There is purpose in every experience here. Don’t waste it. Let it fill you, let it be you, choose it again and again, every day. Choose your creative longing to expand within. Choose your humanity. Be proud of who you are, even in your darkest moments you are so brave to live this challenge. We sit in awe of your strength, of your efforts, of your potential.

This truly marked a perception shift in my life. No longer did I feel the shame of the ultimate human wound, I felt pride in my willingness to learn from it and love it. For all those whose pain runs so deep, I hope that something in this article touched you and helped you.